#MetGala

The Met Gala was last night and ever since I worked in fashion 20 million years ago I’ve been intrigued. I obviously follow all the most important people on Insta so I got some behind the scenes footage (@nicholerichie, @giseleofficial, @derekblasberg, @ressewitherspoon…etc etc etc) but I decided to give my own little review of the most fashionable event of the season (eye roll). But before I do, I want to beg the question, how the F do you get to become part of the popular crowd in Hollywood. Like WHY THE FACK is Jessica Alba part of the plastics? Don’t tell me it’s because she played a #basicbitch in Never Been Kissed #butterflyclips. And how do I get my hands on a Jennifer Meyer name plate necklace? Who I gotta kill? I digress. Ok here goes nothing. And please don’t judge me for being judgmental. They are all asking for it by being rich, famous and enviable.

All photo credits: Kevin Mazur/WireImage, AP

Winner’s Circle

emma

FINE I’ll get on the Emma Stone bandwagon. She can do no wrong. She’s so thin she’s probably not eating and I love her for it. Anyone with that kind of discipline who maintains a sense of humor and great personality gets an A in my book. I don’t even know who or what’s she’s wearing (Thakoon) because I got so distracted by her perfect side-boob.

ed-burns-christy-turlington-vogue-6may14-pa_b_592x888

I just got butterflies. Effortless and sexy and the best arm candy Ed Burns with those puppy dog eyes. Gimme. (Calvin Klein)

reese

Resse’s Botox is in full effect and I’m not mad. I actually like this dress and she looks great. Not surprised it’s Stella McCartney.

gmjGeorgie May Jagger. Hi, have we met? How am I not following you on Insta yet? I bet you’re somehow smuggling a flask of Hendricks. Get it. (Thierry Mugler)

blake

Shamelessly love Blake Lively. She’s just fun to look at and she knows how to wear anything. I saw Savages just because she went half naked in it. Why isn’t SHE in the “cool girls” club? Probably because she’s the hottest bitch in town. (Gucci)

ririRi-Ri. I’m just proud that you are only showing your six pack and not your whole a$$. Don’t know what’s happening with your hair but you probably didn’t sleep last night and smoked a huge J before this…you are the ultimate #baddestbitch (Stella McCartney)

charlize

The ice queen herself looking bomb as ever. Charlize is such a #hardass. She’s got that “don’t you ever FACK with me because the house of Dior designs with me in mind” kind of their look on her face.
kateb

This is one of those weak moments where I admit I love Kate Bosworth for no reason. I just feel like she’d be fun to go to music festivals with and I wouldn’t have to share my food with her. Stella McCartney with the win! P.S. Can we be friends.

olivia

I don’t get Oliva Munn. I don’t. Men LOVE her which is probably why. Also her boobs are perfectly placed on her body and she’s exotic. It’s excruciating. And this dress is hot. Bravo DVF, you #originalbabe

cara-delevingne-vogue-6may14-pa_b_592x888Hell yeah with a pant and a crop top. You lookin’ REAL good Cara Delevigne. (Stella McCartney)
nicole-richie-vogue-6may14-pa_b_592x888I’ve had an obsession with Nic since she was super REX in 2006 and it looks like she’s back at it but the purple hair is distracting everyone. Well played baby girl. (Donna Karan Atelier)

anne

I hate that I like this look. I also hate that AH and I have the same haircut and that it really does look better on her than long hair, just like me. I had a dream that I went to a swanky party rocking a midi and long skirt…so I might do it this weekend. (Calvin Klein)

#Basic Bitches

lena-dunham-vogue-6may14-pa_b_592x888

Just for this Lena, you lost an Instagram follower. Know your audience and wear a gown for Pete’s sake.  (Giambattista Valli Couture)

rita-ora-vogue-6may14-pa_b_592x888

Can someone PLEASE tell me who Rita Ora is? I feel like I Google her every time I hear her name. I want to shove her UP those stairs. Get a life. (Donna Karan Atelier)

katieSomeone save Katie. Seriously, someone just pull her out of this rut. It’s unbearable. Marchesa? Huh? Someone needs to check Georgina’s pill cabinet and make sure her Xanax script hasn’t expired.

kate(D&G) Finally, a picture of Kate where she doesn’t look like Toddlers in Tiaras. But is this for real? Guaranteed she did not get laid last night for ONCE IN HER LIFE. (Sends picture to all of her guy friends with the subject line “See – Kate Upton is not that hot”)

rachel

I mean, I’m not surprised that RM doesn’t get it. She’s annoyingly beautiful and has no taste. I’m more surprised that Ralph Lauren would create something so dumpy. Or am I?

kirstenYES!!! A dress that perfectly suits her! The black hole! KD you’re so smug, I want to table top you. (Rodarte)

beyonceDid Beyonce’s limo never make it to the #Metgala? Where is B? Ohhh she’s in a Givenchy Haute Couture disguise. I get it?

kristensYou deserve this K-Stew. I hope no one ever sleeps with you again. #teamRob (Chanel Haute Couture)

karolina

Stop. This is unnecessary. Marchesa? Again? Where am I?

sjp

Uh oh, someone still thinks she’s relevant. Gloves were a bold move Jess. (Oscar D)

 

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