Holiday Superlatives

I’m one of eight so there is never a lack of craziness going down over the holidays.  When I return home I typically sit in silence for hours on end with all of the lights off.  Below is this year’s Holiday Superlatives.

Best Dressed: My dad.  He started out the day in a button down, cashmere sweater vest and red blazer.  Somehow he ended up at dinner in a red quarter zip fleece with no shirt underneath and track pants.  #comfortoverfashion

Best White Elephant Gift: Gollum bobble head.

Most Improved: My brother Mike for not being belligerent.  There was the incident with the shattered life size champagne glass but it wasn’t his fault that he ducked when my dad was throwing an ornament at him.

Best Smile: My nephew Ben.  Had an ear infection the entire time but still managed to be adorable.

MVP: My friend Greg who tore his achilles playing squash.  Getting around in the snow on cruches is worse than almost anything I think of right now.

Unsung Hero: My nephew Connor because his birthday is on Christmas Eve and that will ALWAYS suck for him.

Best Gift Overall: Christmas present from my assistant and coworker Jeff.  They gave a “flying fuck” so I don’t have to.

Most Christmas Spirt: My mom, because no one puts as much thought and love into this holiday.






10 Reasons Growing Up and Knowing Better is Annoying

1.  You don’t binge drink as much.  If you do you limit it to once a week.  It doesn’t even take a lot for me to resist drinking during the week.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ll slug back a glass of wine or two, but I cut it off.  Not trying to feel like someone right hooked me in the face the following day.

2.  Work is different.  Now that I manage someone I have to watch my cursing, gossipping and overall I have to be a good influence.  Because I’m less fun, I feel like I’ve been invited to less happy hours.  This is probably contributes to number 1.

3.  I don’t buy $400 dresses/shoes/bags that I can’t afford.  This is actually true – I don’t do it anymore.  My closet is FULL of clothing that I couldn’t afford at point of purchase.  I gave up balanced meals in order to be well-dressed.  It was worth it, but I’m much more concerned with my overall health now so it just doesn’t happen.  I still go into stores and try everything on but quickly talk myself out of any purchase before I even take the dress off.

4.  I have finally admitted to myself that I will never be a famous actress.  While I never pursued this career and Diane Lane’s career didn’t really take off until 35, I know it’s not happening for me.  I think this realization will help me chase my true dream of having and expensive dress/coffee shop.

5.  I’ve been through enough to know better about relationships.  When I attempt to impart this advice on my younger sisters/friends I’m often greeted with a blank stare…a blank stare that graced my face only a few years back.  I’m not saying I’m a relationship expert by ANY means, but I’ve been through a lot I KNOW BETTER.  Advice typically ignored includes but is not limited to:

– Stop caring so much.

– Do you even like him?

– Don’t text him that.

– Don’t go through his phone.  If you do, don’t tell him about it.

– Stop caring so much.

– Relax.

– If he likes you, you will know.  I promise.

– If he doesn’t like you, keep walking sister.

– Peace at any price is too much.

6.  You start to think certain clothing looks “inappropriate” on you for your age.  WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?  I feel like it was only yesterday when the phrase “too short” was not in my wheelhouse.  I’m pretty sure this happened over night because there are things I wore to work only a summer ago that I wouldn’t even wear out of my apt this summer.

7.  You don’t give as many people the benefit of the doubt.  It’s not straight up cynicism and you need to be careful about judgement but it’s hard not to put people you meet in categories of people you’ve encountered over the years.  I’m trying to work on this because I’ve been surprised by a few people recently that I unfairly put in the wrong bucket.

8.  Everyone wants to know when you’re getting married but don’t fret, they’re “not worried about you”.  This phrase isn’t comforting.  It’s not offensive because I’m not worried myself, but it is unsettling that people think they HAVE to say it to you.  Relax, everyone. I got this.

9.  Holidays become more about your nieces, nephews and in-laws rather than your brothers and sisters.  It is a rare occasion when all of my adult siblings are together and the aforementioned parties are to blame.  Love them dearly, just miss my buddies sometimes.

10.  You know better.  The ignorance of youth keeps us safe and invincible and the knowledge that comes with age leaves us exposed to the elements feeling vulnerable and paranoid.  I drive the speed limit, take vitamins, watch what I eat, take the recommended dose and generally stay away from people that have trouble written across their foreheads.  While it sounds boring, it also keeps me safe…somehow.

Since the world didn’t end today it looks like I’ve got at least 29 more years to reflect on how age changes how we think and feel and I’m really looking forward to it.

Table for one, please.

When I lived in New York I had no problem eating out, going to the movies, sitting in a coffee shop…alone.  Baltimore is different.  This weekend I was craving one of my favorite spots and I decided that even though I didn’t have a partner, I still yearned for Jack’s Guinness meat and grits.  I wasn’t nervous at all on the walk over and even when I strolled up to the bar I didn’t care that the bartender clearly felt uncomfortable asking if it was just going going to be me.  Here are my 5 take aways from the experience.

1.  Don’t feel bad ordering an entire bottle of wine, as long as you can take home what you don’t drink.  It doesn’t make sense to order three separate glasses and it’s far more economical to get an entire bottle.  It’s doesn’t feel right but believe me it makes more sense.

2.  It’s O.K. to make conversation with other patrons just don’t act like you’re desperate for conversation (even though you probably are).  Ask them if they’ve been there before or if they need recommendations, but you don’t want them to feel obligated to talk to you.  If they engage you completely and ask you to join them, thank them but you’re “dining alone tonight”.

3.  If you’re at a bar and the T.V. is on, don’t feel bad asking the bartender to change the channel from Ultimate Fighting.  You’ll find yourself glancing at the TV frequently.  You don’t need to pretend to like something like UFC or WWE, it’s excruciating.

4.  Order something you absolutely love and eat it in silence.  It’s a true eating experience as opposed to a social event.

5. Try your hardest not to look at your phone too much.  It will make you feel anxious and you may even trick yourself into thinking someone is meeting you.  Just relax and take everything in.  Be thankful that you’re in a comfortable place, drinking great wine and eating fantastic food…alone.