Thanksgiving proved to be a great success! I spent great quality time with my family and friends and even braved my 10 year high school reunion. As I clenched my Stella and smiled wide at all of the young adults I graduated WHS with I looked around and felt so proud to be a part of such a successful group. Rather than experiencing the feeling of being upstaged by intelligence and accomplishment, I was impressed and excited to hear that my close friend from childhood is now a pediatrician living in Nashville with her husband. But jobs and husbands were hardly the topics of conversation at all. What I realized is that our jobs and marital status is not what makes us adults. We all shared memories of the past, funny stories about our holidays and just caught up.
All of these people that threw their caps in the air with me in 2001 have all had very different yet similar travels over the past decade and here we were all together laughing and sharing because although our heartaches, long nights at work, tears, joys and obstacles are different – in the end, aren’t they really just the same?
This moment I was dreading turned out to be a perfect time of reflection and retrospection. I came back to Baltimore feeling refreshed and excited for the next 10 years of what life decides to sling at me with full force – whatever that may be.
When I read Thought Catalog I almost daily think “couldn’t have said it better myself”. I would love to write like that every day but obviously I don’t have enough readership and the people that do read my blog would read and be worried. I’m fine, but I feel like lately I’m the person that responds to “how are you?” with “O.K”, “fine”, “can’t complain”, “alright” etc. I used to be the person that responded with “somewhere between great and wonderful”. What I need to realize is that the person asking me how I’m doing doesn’t care how I’m doing. It’s just simple arbitrary small talk. I wish I could write about how I love listening to melancholy music while zoning out at my computer. How I love staring off into space in general. How I miss laughing until my stomach hurts, now my stomach just always hurts. How I love pinterest because I am connecting with people that love posting things that inspire them but I don’t actually have to connect with them personally. How I love going for hikes and getting lost thinking about survival in the woods and if I could hack it. I probably could at some point, but as of late I feel as though I might give up. How I want things to be brighter, even though the sun barely comes out anymore.
Time sneaks by you.
There is never enough of it.
Time can be your best friend but feels like your worst enemy.
Time can be the best accessory.
Time is on your side.
Time teaches us patience.
In the end there is no time for fighting or fussing my friend.
Today I’m thankful for my two legs. Made a decision to run a half in March and I’m pumped to be pounding the pavement on the reg again. One foot in front of the other with my eye on the prize…whatever that may be.
I’ve always had vivid dreams and last night was no exception. I was on an island somewhere and the sky started to get dark. People were scattering like the world was going to end (a common fear of mine) and I had no idea where to hide or what to do. As I look to the darkening sky I notice twisters start to form. There had to be about 15 of them all coming straight towards me. I didn’ know what to do – the twister took my jacket, then my shoes and I had nowhere to go. I woke up happy to be safe in my bed but it definitely makes me hesitant to fall asleep tonight. When I looked up what dreams about tornadoes meant – the outlook is pretty bleak. I wish there was some sort of dream forum where I could find out who else has these types of dreams and what it could possibly mean. I think what I’m most afraid of is the fact that I kind of do know what it means and it makes complete sense.
It’s not all in your head but most of it is. What is it you ask? It is whatever nags at you constantly. It’s what you cannot shake no matter how hard you try. This is because you’re not trying hard enough. If you’re a rational human being, you can condition yourself to do just about anything. This should be the case with things that leave a pit in your stomach. Rationalization only lasts so long. You feel empowered and great then all it takes is a few hours by yourself, a rainy day, a rough day at work, and you’re back to feeling that same punched in the gut feeling.
I liken this to the difference between walking and running up hardwood stairs. Walking up stairs would be a day when you’re doing fine, cruising along pretty even keel. You’re not in a rush so you take your time with each step. You don’t realize it but you’re approaching each step with caution in order to get to the next step until you get to the top. Running upstairs is quite different. You’re trying to escape something, a feeling you no longer want to be exposed to and you’re not careful. In fact you trip multiple times. You bang your shins over and over, stub your toe and curse as you claw your way to the top. You’re not even looking at the end goal you just know you want to be there – irrational self. You’re not unscathed, but you also don’t let yourself fall all the way down the stairs because your momentum is moving forward. You’re fine, it’s not all that bad. You have some bruises on your legs but that’s alright because winter is approaching and you wear pants and tights all the time. You feel a little foolish but no one saw you. You experience this all on your own. You will get to the top eventually and everything will be O.K.
You won’t fall down the stairs because you’re a rational human being after all just not rational as often and as much as you’d prefer. You know that most of what you cannot let go of will be gone eventually and three months from now you’ll look back and wonder why it was so hard to climb those stairs? They’re aren’t even that steep.