Welcome to Smalltimore!

The recent buzz in Baltimore is how hard it is to date in a small town.  Baltimore Magazine calls it a “Chinese fire drill” which to me doesn’t quite make sense.  Unless they’re referring to when a bunch of girls share a cab and some go to Mother’s and some go to Mad River.  A coworker blogged about making yourself date worthy which also doesn’t quite make sense to me.  I understand that you want to make yourself appealing to the opposite sex, like make sure you shower and put on some clean clothes, but really you want to make sure that you’re making yourself appealing to the right person.  Like how long can you put on an act?  Two dates? Three dates max?  Sooner or later the real you is going to come out, whether you’re boring as hell or you have really bad morning breath.

Having only lived here for a year I can attest that dating is quite interesting.  It’s no coincidence that the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” was filmed here.  If you try and date someone, you’re going to meet at least one of their exes “by accident” and chances are the girl glaring at you from across Portside actually slept with the guy that’s buying you a drink.  If you decide to date someone seriously you better watch out because everyone and their mother is going to want to tell you about their past.  Where I come from, you find this out on your own!  Stay away from Facebook and G Chat to get the dirty dets and let the person show you themselves who they are.

We’re in our upper 20’s folks let’s be real!  I’m NO dating expert that is for sure but I’m pretty positive that there is someone out there for everyone and you don’t have to go looking for them, they’ll find you.

“You’re Not the Father” Dance

Lunch Club is back after a snow hiatus.

Somehow the topic of porn was the first thing we discussed today.

  • Erin turns red immediately and looks like she wants to crawl under the table
  • I say the only porn I’ve seen is Nip/Tuck on FX
  • None of us can really contribute to the conversation so we change the subject
  • T says I need to start watching Amazing Race
  • I tell her I don’t really like reality TV which is a huge lie and she reminds me that I blog about Bachelor
  • We all agree that although reality TV is really trashy and bad, when we were  younger, the trash of choice was Jenny Jones, Ricki Lake, and Jerry Springer
  • Mike does his version of when guys would find out they weren’t the father on paternity test episodes “You don’t KNOW me, I ‘aint the daddy, I take care of mah baby”
  • T does the little dance that they do
  • I’m surprised Mike is old enough to have seen it and I’m pretty impressed that he can do the accent
  • When we get back to our desks T sends out this youtube video

Unleashing your inner sexy?

With Valentine’s Day creeping up, I thought it appropriate to try a dance class at the gym called “Sizzle”.  My due diligence included asking the woman at the front desk if it was cool (I should have known not to listen to her because she clearly doesn’t work out) and having my friend Erin ask the girl that looked like she was waiting for the class.  The red flag should have been when the girl told us that it was “really bizarre, the teacher is insane and it’s not that great of a work out but you should definitely try it!”

stripper

The instructor was indeed out of her mind, and we’re pretty sure she was a professional “dancer”.  We should have known what this class was all about when we were instructed to bring in a chair and a pole.

She started the class off by telling us to “unleash our inner sexy”.  I have never felt so un-sexy in my life.  I feel sexier after 45 minutes on the tread mill.   I feel sexier when I’m flossing.

Anyhow, it was an hour of this woman demanding that we “put it in his face”, “put your feet on the wall” or telling us that “I’ve had a foursome” and “feel the orgasm!” and this was all before she took her shirt off.  To say Erin and I looked like fish out of water is an understatement.  Whenever I would take my eyes off the instructor to get a glimpse of myself in the mirror I would shudder.  I would often look to Erin for reassurance just to see the same disgusted/confused look on her face.

We ended up leaving early but I couldn’t help but try out my new moves for my roommates.  Jenn told me that if I was going to try and be “sexy” I would have to stop biting my lip like I was struggling to open a jar or something.  The “feet on the wall” trick is really impractical and should  never be tried outside of a cardio-strip class and again…it is NOT sexy.

My advice this Valentine’s Day, since I’m such an expert is to “unleash your inner sexy” and make your man chicken parm, open a bottle of red, and NOT try anything out of the ordinary…especially if it involves growling.