These days, it’s so hard to KEEP UP!

kardashian-family-christmasIt’s Friday at 4:30p.m.  You’ve been ready to leave the office for about three hours now but obviously the man is getting you down.  I should have advised you all to go out and purchase the February 1st issue of Us Weekly with the “Kardashians Then and Now!” on the cover.  It is completely worth $3.99 and less than a grande latte!  I’m not gonna sit here and make fun of the obviously unfortunate looking K-hole.   It is just too easy and darn right mean.  Please make sure you take a good look at her though.  There are two people in the Kardash xmas pic that are strangers to me which makes me uneasy, and who played Santa?  Also, I love that Brody had a butt cut because what “cool” preteen didn’t in 1997?

kardashians

Superlatives:

Most Improved: K-hole (obvious but very true)

Least changed: Kim (sister is lookin’ GOOD)

Most likely to be cast in the remake of Willow: Kourtney

Best Butt Cut: TIE!  Rob and Brody

Most Athletic: Bruce

JUST FOR LAUGHS!!!! TGIF

Top 5 Ideas to Write Taylor Momsen Off Gossip Girl

taylor momsen

Dear Lil J,

You’re 15  years old and you have a BAD ATTITUDE.  Miley might have sold out, but she also does not talk like a sailor.  You need your mouth washed out with soap.

“To be honest, I don’t fucking care [about being a role model]. I didn’t get into this to be a role model. So I’m sorry if I’m influencing your kids in a way that you don’t like, but I can’t be responsible for their actions. I don’t care. … Honestly, if I’d have ended up as Hannah Montana, I don’t know if the show would have gone as well. I probably would have told them all to go fuck themselves by the time I hit 11. And I don’t know how that would have gone down. It’s great for Miley, but I really like where I am right now and I feel really fortunate to be able to really be myself.” —Taylor Momsen

Read more: Taylor Momsen Is Not a Role Model — Vulture http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2010/01/taylor_momsen_is_not_a_role_mo.html#ixzz0dewfJrKj

In lieu of her nastiness in the press I’ve decided to come up with my top 5 ways the writers can get rid of Jenny Humphrey.

1.  Boarding School in CT after getting arrested with the chauncy speed dealer

2.  Lil J. goes on a bender after trying out the goods she’s pushing and doesn’t sleep for two weeks (her eye make up is everywhere).  Rufus and Lily have no choice but to drag her to the same hospital Eric went to when he attempted suicide.  Oh the irony!

3.  She gets hit by the cross town bus and they don’t even use up an minutes of the precious episode with a funeral.

4.  She just disappears inexplicably like the mom on the Fresh Prince and she’s replaced with Miley Cyrus.  No one’s asking any questions as to why Jenny’s hair is brown and she sounds like a 50 year old smoker.

5.  She is forced to live with her mother and go to public school and all of her designer clothes are donated to the good will in Long Island City.

The Ultimate Accessory!

If you know me, you’re aware that I love accessories!  Rosettes (obv), necklaces, bangles, hair clips, headbands, etc.  In addition to accessories I love props when I’m going out.  Couzies will always spark jealousy among your friends, fanny packs are hands free and so convenient and sunglasses/3D glasses are handy when you’re trying to hide your glazed over look at 12:00a.m.

Jennifer Behr Accessories

jennifer behr accessories

Anyway the obsession of this week is Jennifer Behr Accessories.  My wonderful boss (his wife) picked out an amazing Jennifer Behr rhinestone hair clip for me for Christmas and I wear it at least once a week.   Pictured above is a headband I’m looking at for Q2 purchase!

Check her out!

Stuff Rich People Like

Stuff Rich People Like

Yeah I came across this site when I was googling “rich people ski gear” looking for a sweet snowflake sweater.  I never found the sweater I was looking for but I came across this site.  I don’t think anyone posts anymore, but there are definitely a few things missing.

Things rich people like in the winter:

1.  Wool sweaters.  I mean I was looking for one just the other day for an upcoming ski trip.  Not only do I have to keep warm, I have to look the part!  Barbour jackets are a must as well, but not for skiing. Keep up!

2.  Patagonia EVERYTHING.  And do not think of mixing brands like North Face or Arcteryx or Mountain Hardwear.  You need to stick to one and own it.

3.  Updating Facebook status to “Can’t wait for a weekend of fresh pow”

4.  Frye boots of every style.  Make sure you tuck in your skinny jeans and wear it with an overpriced flannel that your boyfriend/husband probably hates.

5.  An expensive bag that you have no problem lugging to the bar/work/ski slope and make sure you ruin it and treat it like shit so there is no way you can use it next season.  Rich people don’t need to recycle, they can just give the bag to their poor friends and tell them its all the rage and then its kind of like charity.

6.  Getting a pedicure in the winter even though no one will see your toes.  It is a phenomenon but mani/pedis are still in the necessity column.

7. Thule ski racks.  No matter  what you’re driving it will look a lot more bougey with a ski rack.  Write that down.  Even the Jetto would look rich with one of those things, plus it’s foreign so I’ve got that going for me.

Who needs a tan when you can get sweet wind burn on the slopes!

Bachelor Recap: No spoilers on this site.

Recap as told by me and my enthusiastic friend Emily.  You probably don’t even need to watch the ep just read this post.

GreenyEm829 (9:47:19 AM): do NOT read reality steve.
Cans321 (9:47:28 AM): why why why why
GreenyEm829 (9:47:35 AM): b/c he gives SO many spoiler alerts
GreenyEm829 (9:47:37 AM): including, the winner
Cans321 (9:53:22 AM): SHUT UP
Cans321 (9:53:24 AM): did you read?
GreenyEm829 (9:53:29 AM): yes.
Cans321 (9:53:34 AM): SHOOT
GreenyEm829 (9:53:37 AM): i can handle it.
GreenyEm829 (9:53:39 AM): although,
GreenyEm829 (9:53:44 AM): its so fucking good, iwish i didnt know
GreenyEm829 (9:53:55 AM): but you shouldnt. you will thank me.
GreenyEm829 (9:53:58 AM): its ridiculous.
GreenyEm829 (9:54:27 AM): reality steve is SO mean to chris harrison too- and it pisses me off.
Cans321 (9:54:43 AM): i need to
Cans321 (9:54:45 AM): its like crack
GreenyEm829 (9:54:54 AM): because if god took a human form on planet earth, it’d b e chris.
Cans321 (9:55:04 AM): HAHAHAHAHAAH
GreenyEm829 (9:55:21 AM): i really believe that.
Cans321 (9:55:33 AM): I know, it’s scary
GreenyEm829 (9:58:19 AM): rozalyn was the poor man’s scojo.
Cans321 (9:59:26 AM): TOTE
GreenyEm829 (9:59:46 AM): um
GreenyEm829 (9:59:48 AM): wait for it….
GreenyEm829 (9:59:53 AM): in jake’s blog on people,
GreenyEm829 (10:00:01 AM): he says, “ali is a doll-face.”
GreenyEm829 (10:00:04 AM): and….. you’re gay.
Cans321 (10:01:34 AM): wait
Cans321 (10:01:40 AM): i think she is a doll face
GreenyEm829 (10:01:44 AM): well yeah
GreenyEm829 (10:01:49 AM): but boys dont call girls doll-facse.
Cans321 (10:01:52 AM): can i be honest
GreenyEm829 (10:01:55 AM): thats for grandmas and gay men
Cans321 (10:01:58 AM): if i was on the show
Cans321 (10:02:03 AM): I would be SO geyed out
Cans321 (10:02:06 AM): i’d probably leave
GreenyEm829 (10:02:12 AM): allli.
GreenyEm829 (10:02:23 AM): take those words
GreenyEm829 (10:02:31 AM): and put them back in your mouth.
Cans321 (10:02:36 AM): I would Emily.
GreenyEm829 (10:02:38 AM): and think about what you just said.
GreenyEm829 (10:02:51 AM): ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLI.
Cans321 (10:02:53 AM): how about when he plays peek-a-boo
Cans321 (10:02:58 AM): when he’s coming out in his suit
GreenyEm829 (10:03:01 AM): ha ha ha
Cans321 (10:03:04 AM): like we’ve never seen him with his shirt off
Cans321 (10:03:07 AM): come awn
Cans321 (10:06:16 AM): do you think Vienna is prettier in person?
Cans321 (10:06:17 AM): she has to be
GreenyEm829 (10:06:24 AM): did you read reality steve?
GreenyEm829 (10:06:33 AM): ali- she’s cross eyed for christ’s sake
GreenyEm829 (10:06:39 AM): she cant be uglier in person, that’s for usre
GreenyEm829 (10:06:45 AM): but the camera doesnt lie.
Cans321 (10:07:17 AM): she needs waterproof mascara
Cans321 (10:07:19 AM): and like
Cans321 (10:07:27 AM): when did extensions become socially acceptable
GreenyEm829 (10:07:45 AM): shes so ugly
GreenyEm829 (11:42:14 AM): funny thing about th water proof mascara
GreenyEm829 (11:42:22 AM): i think the producer MUST provdied them with it.
Cans321 (11:42:39 AM): which one…the one that porked Roz
GreenyEm829 (11:42:49 AM): HAHAHAH
GreenyEm829 (11:42:53 AM): camera man # 4
GreenyEm829 (11:43:06 AM): like, ladies, didnt realize jim the donut guy wasnt there anymore?
Cans321 (10:09:19 AM): sometimes
Cans321 (10:09:22 AM): i want extensions
Cans321 (10:09:25 AM): but then i think better of it
GreenyEm829 (10:09:32 AM): i think they smell
GreenyEm829 (10:09:35 AM): like, you cant wash your hair
Cans321 (10:12:23 AM): shit’s gross
Cans321 (10:12:27 AM): but like
GreenyEm829 (10:12:42 AM): i mean, do i wish i had kim kardashian hair?
GreenyEm829 (10:12:45 AM): yes, yes mama likey.
Cans321 (10:12:56 AM): but lke
Cans321 (10:13:01 AM): Rozyln
Cans321 (10:13:05 AM): how’d she take them out
GreenyEm829 (10:13:07 AM): idk
GreenyEm829 (10:13:09 AM): but she did.
GreenyEm829 (10:13:13 AM): it aws a bump-it?
GreenyEm829 (10:13:31 AM): i’ll take this moment in time to say, I really want to try a bump-it.
Cans321 (10:13:48 AM): i know you do.
Cans321 (10:13:59 AM): you need to divert away from 2005 Nicole RIchie
Cans321 (10:14:04 AM): may she RIP
GreenyEm829 (10:14:16 AM): ha ha hah ah ha hah ah
GreenyEm829 (10:14:23 AM): noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Cans321 (10:14:25 AM): cute little rexi
GreenyEm829 (10:14:40 AM): i covet her
GreenyEm829 (10:14:50 AM): 2003-2006.
Cans321 (10:14:54 AM): WAIT
Cans321 (10:15:01 AM): what about The Simple Life
GreenyEm829 (10:15:02 AM): btw are you LOVING the new alicia keys song?
Cans321 (10:15:05 AM): are you just blocking that out?
GreenyEm829 (10:15:07 AM): well, minus the simps.
GreenyEm829 (10:15:12 AM): blocking that.
Cans321 (10:15:22 AM): I think she rocked over-all shorts
Cans321 (10:15:27 AM): and her chub was hanging out
Cans321 (10:15:32 AM): was she still on Heroin at this point?
GreenyEm829 (10:15:34 AM): true we dont talk about the simps
GreenyEm829 (10:15:35 AM): yes
GreenyEm829 (10:15:44 AM): that was a mistake.
Cans321 (10:15:57 AM): is Joel Madden cute?
GreenyEm829 (10:16:12 AM): is that her life partner?
Cans321 (10:16:17 AM): are they married?
GreenyEm829 (10:16:18 AM): no.
GreenyEm829 (10:16:20 AM): idk?
Cans321 (10:16:24 AM): you should
GreenyEm829 (10:16:27 AM): i know.
Cans321 (10:16:34 AM): of all peeps.
GreenyEm829 (10:16:34 AM): one sec.
GreenyEm829 (10:16:57 AM): i dont think tehy are
Cans321 (10:17:11 AM): living in sin.
Cans321 (10:17:12 AM): got it
GreenyEm829 (10:17:23 AM): ha ha ha

Thursday (formerly Tuesday) Lunch Club Minutes: Tashia Pops the Question

I’m back from hiatus and so is lunch club! We actually had lunch club three times this week, but conversation has been pretty somber…until today.

  • Apparently Tashia and I take too long and Mike lurks in the doorway as we make our turkey sandwiches which isn’t annoying or creepy at all.
  • Mike is bummed out because he didn’t bring any snacks
  • When he’s finished his sandwich, Mike pulls out a bag a chips and about 6 cookies
  • Tashia freaks out saying “not having any snacks is not having ANY snacks”
  • She apologizes for always generalizing but she says “White people always say ‘I’m soooo broke’ when really they got $6,000 in the bank.  When black people say that, they got NOTHIN'”
  • Tashia looks at me and asks me to marry her
  • I say I’m speechless because it’s always been my dream to be in an inter-racial same sex relationship
  • Oh yeah and I say she has to wear the tux
  • T says is that because she’s black and I tell her it’s because I’m very traditional
  • She says fine but Monique Gulia will have to design the tux
  • I correct her and tell her it’s Monique Lhullier and she looks at me quizzically and shrugs
  • She says if she’s wearing a tux she gets to go wherever she wants for her bachelor party and gets to use my dad’s car
  • Mike says he wants to be a groomsman
  • Margaux walks in and says Tashia has to wear the tux if my dad is paying
  • Tashia tells Margaux to take her vegan pizza and shove it up her a$$
  • I take a bite of one of Mike’s cookies and quickly spit it back up
  • Tashia looks like she’s going to vomit and Mike is just sitting there with his mouth open
  • I tell them it tasted like refrigerator
  • Mike asks what refrigerator tastes like and I tell him, his cookie