GET RICH QUICK!

“Good luck is the result of good planning”

Every time I check my bank account I cross my fingers that somehow miraculously I’m rich (I literally do this as if it has the power to dump money into my account).  I have good luck but not that good.  I keep thinking in the back of my mind, “oh well it’ll be fine once I win the lottery”.  I’m truly convinced I’m going to win it in the near future, but I don’t even play the lottery.  In efforts to keep myself sane and to ward off heart palpitations I come up with these “get rich quick” schemes. I usually think of things that have been done already and only 2% of the sample set actually makes money off of them, but I think my luck is good enough to be in the top percentile.

–          Selling every book I own on Amazon.  I actually tried this and ended up losing money in shipping.  I know you can add to the amount but I never did the math right.  Also I really don’t have that many books.

–          Starting a freelance calligraphy company, charging $2.50 an envelope.  Since I’m a lefty I haven’t gotten past R, S, O, C, D and those are just caps.  I did some pro bono wedding envelopes but it was all caps…and pro bono.  So I guess that one made me rich in life.

–          Starting a blog.  I was hoping to get some advertising, but because I’m new to the scene I’m not even sure how to do it.  Maybe I should advertise my calligraphy business.

–          Breeding beagle/Labrador mix puppies.  I’m pretty sure they’re the cutest dogs you could own and although it’s a little Island of Dr. Moraeu I really think the rich and famous would love one. I know I do!

beagle lab

–          Being a life coach for uncool teens.  I’m starting out with my half sisters, like a trial run. First I will make sure they have no say in what they wear because that is always their first mistake.  Second I would make sure they quit marching band and join a sports team.  I would certainly ban Hannah Montana but not Miley Cyrus and make sure they understand the importance of cliques.

–          If you watch Entourage you see how much money celebrities have.  It’s just stupid.  I wanna be like, hey E can you pay my BGE bill for the year instead of buying a wardrobe full of black button downs?  Or maybe I could get a job with Sloan, who gets to walk around all day looking hot and talking on her cell phone enunciating every word to perfection.  I think the one thing I could probably do is become a rock star.  I don’t know how to write music but I’m sure it’s not that hard or I could have someone do it for me.  Also, I’m pretty sure I could sing as well as Lady Gaga, Katy Perry or Fergie for SURE.  I just need a reputable rap group to be my background like the Black Eyed Peas.  I wonder what Snoop is getting into these days.  All I need is one hit and I’ll take the money and run!

snnop

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Stuff that stops being scary once you turn 11

1.  Quick sand

2.  The dark

3.  Under your bed/the closet

4.  The high dive

5.  Black Widow spiders

6.  Getting coal for Christmas

7.  Wooden spoons

8.  The crawl space in your basement

9.  Witches

10.  Falling off the top bunk

11.  Falling up the stairs

12.  Tornados

13.  Going down a hill on rollerblades

14.  Missing the bus

15.  If you’ll make travel (soccer, basketball, softball, lacrosse)

16.  That when you’re older they won’t have Disney movies anymore

17.  Forgetting your lunch

18.  Getting car sick in the way back of the suburban

19.  Getting gum in your hair

20.  Words like Czechoslovakia, acknowledgment, bologna, knife, bourgeois, caffeine, conscious, onomatopoeia, parallel, pseudonym, rendezvous