Guide to your very first Fantasy Football draft!

Boyfriends, brothers and dad’s LOVE to watch sports.  Although they make fun of girls for sweating Gossip Girl, Miami Social, Real Housewives, Bachelorette, they bring the obsession with organized sports to new levels.
Like my boyfriends, my “favorite” teams change just about every 2-3 years.  In high school it was obviously Yankess, Giants, Rangers since I’m from CT and we have identity issues when it comes to what jersey to wear.  In college it was Yankees, Ravens, Rangers because my boyfriend(s) only had real love for one organized sport and it was go purple or go home.  After college I flipped the script a little and met a Long Islander in Manhattan who switched me to Mets, Giants, Rangers…much to my brothers chagrin.  Now I’m back in Baltimore and I’ve completely done a back flip off the high dive with Orioles, Redskins, Capitals, Wizards, Terps.  So many sports to feign interest in and so little time!  Usually I use sports watching time as “me” time, but now it seems to have spread across every season so I have to be creative.

I joined a fantasy football league.

I know, I KNOW, I might as well join twitter.  My brother’s advice: Just go with the highest pick available as you fill out each position.  Don’t get fancy and you’ll finish in the middle of the pack.  That’s all I need to do, not embarrass myself and save face.  The season has yet to begin so I thought I’d give a few pointers to ladies out there who are trying this out for the first time.

Drafting for girlfriends:

–          On your first pick go with the guys on the top of the list…the lower the number they are the more people want them, kind of like the more a guy ignores you, the more you want him to pay attention to you

–          The next couple picks, you can stay at the top of the list…it’s like settling for a JV player but you’re still a freshman so it doesn’t matter…you’ll still make it to prom!

–          On your 3-5th picks you’re starting to get cockey because you snagged someone like Peyton or Tom Brady, which means you follow the next tip which is look at the picture when choosing kickers and quarterbacks and then choose the best looking – cleft chins are a plus!

–          For running backs and tight ends, you can look for names you recognize because chances are you’ve heard their name called after scoring a touch down on a random Sunday Funday that you weren’t blacked out for

–          BIG BONUS, pick players from your boyfriend/brother/dad’s team.  Even if the player isn’t great, the feedback will be something like, “he didn’t have a great 2008 season but I think 2009 is going to be his year!”

–          Diversify, diversify, diversify! If you’re 9 picks deep and you’re not sure what to do, start picking players from teams that aren’t represented on your roster.  I liken it to having a closet full of Jack Rogers…they’re the same but look so much better in different colors!

–          You’re down to your last couple picks and you’re starting to sweat and/or you’re so over it…I would say pick at random but my brother advises you can’t have too many running backs.  I know you’re probably tempted to pick another quarter back because they tend to be cute, but you really only need two.

–          Once you’re finished make sure you send your list to anyone that you care about impressing…

Stay tuned on updates because apparently I’m supposed pick my line up every week?

All in all I would say everyone wins because now I will actually care about who is winning and playing well.  I am no longer a fair weather fan! (sike, I’ll agree with my sig oth on this topic…I figure it’s the one thing I won’t be difficult about)

Oh one other thing I would advise if you’re like me…never buy a jersey unless you’ve got a ring on your finger.

Yankee Candle scents that never made it

Clothes after eating a Mexican Restaurant

Breath after eating Texas Toast

Midnight in the bedroom of bad decisions

Crop dusting in the elevator

The aroma of boy hungover

Red tide in Baltimore Harbor

Pee after eating asparagus

Rotten Pumpkin on your stoop (a seasonal favorite!)

Nail polish remover

Moth balls  at bingo night

Something is bad in the fridge

You left your laundry in the washer for two days

1999 Jetta that smells like crayons

Carnival/Boardwalk fat people food

Beach Lacrosse Tournament in Numbers!

Team members: 15 (including an honorary member)

Boyfriends: 2.5

Beds slept in: Approx 6

Girls that didn’t sleep in a bed: 6

Girls that didn’t sleep: 2

Number of substitutes on Friday: 1

Number of substitutes on Saturday: 2.5

Games Lost: 3

Games Won: 1

Games our goalie thought we won: 0

Rolls of duct tape used for Mermaid contest: 2

Amount won at the Mermaid Contest: $200

Place we came in for Mermaid Conest: 1st (depending on who you ask)

Natty Lights purchased with prize money: 25

Tequila shots purchased with prize money: 15

Red headed sluts purchased with prize money: 7

Amount we accidentally tipped the bartender: $50

Number of times we chanted LUNCH: 40-50

Number of days it will take our bodies to recover: 3-5
Being on a club team that makes you feel like you’re in college all over again with a slightly worse hangover: Priceless

People that freak me out.

1.  People who wear tennis shoes without socks

2.  Fat personal trainers

3.  People who talk on their cell phones on the elevator or in the check out line at Safeway

4.  People that have lazy eyes

5.  Pregnant ladies that rub their bellies too much, it’s like they’re hexing it

6.  People who order frappacinos w/ whip

7.  People with accents (excluding anything UK) – is it rude to ask where you’re from?  I just want to know what I’m dealing with

8.  Doods that drive VW’s (I know…I drive one, but it weirds me out when I see a dood driving one)

9.  People that don’t drink coffee (unless medically advised not to)

10.  Same goes for alcohol unless you’re a recovering alcholic and in that case KUDOS!

11. Girls that run like girls

12.  After using the phrase “your mom” – People that say “my mom’s dead” – because even if she is…there is no need

13.  Homeless people…I have a really hard time not staring

14.  Close talkers

15.  Minimalists – accessorize already!

16 . Enthusiasts – probably because I’m not sure I’m that enthusiastic about anything besides life

17.  Pessimists – I’m telling you if you have a good attitude about things, they will most likely work out for you

18.  People that don’t have TV’s

19.  People that read the Financial Times

20.  People who wear sunglasses at night or indoors

21.  Really religious people that make you feel uncomfortable when you curse

Do normal people make sex tapes?

leighton meester

Since I’m trying to act more and more like an adult these days this is not a question I bring up at cocktail parties, but I can’t help but seriously ponder this.   My muse, Leighton Meester, has recently been rumored to be involved in a sex tape scandal.  She’s denying it, which she has to do even if it exists and we won’t call her a liar if it surfaces because we will be too fixated on the tape itself to bother. I don’t believe it for one second, because I’ve come to grips with the fact that she is NOT Blair Waldorf who certainly does have one. So Leighton does not have one, but what about Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Dustin Diamond, Rob Lowe, Colin Farrell, Britney Spears and Meredith Viera (siiike, but I got you for a sec on that one)?   Does everyone make sex tapes and I’m just in the dark (no pun intended)?  I haven’t taken a serious poll but I might do one anonymously, because I feel really left out.  It’s like Eyes Wide Shut…that stuff really happens and the person in the cube next to you is probably a total freak in the sheets and you would NEVER KNOW!

I do think being intimate should be kept just that but if it means I will be put into an elite category I might consider it.  I have a few issues with it though.  First, it might be difficult to put my hand on my hip and always be on the left side.  Second, what do I even do with it once it’s made?  Just say I have one and put it in a safe place then blog about when my mom finds it?  Will that put me in the “I have a sex tape” category of cool? C, what kind of lighting will be put in place because I will look like an opossum if we’re dealing with those freaky night cameras and I look washed out in natural light. Also, can I have music because in that case I would make a serious “sex tape mix” and label it just that and make sure someone like my older brother finds it. It would be mostly Lady Gaga and some of the new Black Eyed Peas. Then it would be like a nasty little music video because I would probably have a hard time not singing along.

This might be crazy talk, but don’t tell me you haven’t thought the same thing.

Scatter this

  • Facebook has made it a lot harder to stalk people since they’ve taken away the “Friends Tagged in” Pictures
  • I had an ulcer when I was 21 and currently have chronic heartburn but wake up everyday with a coffee the size of my forearm and fall asleep to a bottle of wine and I really don’t like it when people tell me what to do
  • If I haven’t tried something I’ll most likely say I hate/don’t like it
  • Sometimes if I don’t feel like thinking  I’ll ask someone something like “where is Milwaukee?” even if deep down I know where it is, I’m just too lazy to think about it and chances are someone else knows the answer
  • I drive like a bat out of hell, but have no patience for bad drivers
  • I eavesdrop whenever I have the chance because I love knowing secrets and I have the hardest time keeping them
  • If I had it my way and it was socially acceptable I would eat white bread and ketchup at least 2 meals a day
  • My past is pretty sordid but for some reason I truly believe I’m some sort of pillar of moral superiority, probably because I have great table manners
  • Sometimes I pretend things people say are gross because I know its supposed to be, but in reality it takes a LOT to gross me out
  • I have the worst memory so most of the time I just tell the truth.  Liars have the memories of elephants those lucky ducks
  • My drudge report is the FB newsfeed
  • I get butterflies when I think about cold beverages
  • People who can scat or whistle with their fingers amaze me
  • Sometimes when I’m watching something DVR-ed I watch the commercials anyway because they’re so funny…if I’m alone I’ll laugh out loud at them
  • How come no matter how many times you’ve heard a fart, it’s still hilarious
  • It bugs me to no end when I can see people have read my BBM and haven’t responded
  • I claim to be the easy going, but I freak out if people change plans on me
  • Lately the only thing that my dad and I have been bonding over is youtube
  • When I’m bored at work more than Facebook or Gchat I utilize the shit out of google images