Bachelorette Season 9: Why I have completely lost faith in the American Broadcasting System

the final two

I have not been a Bachelor/Bachelorette follower since the beginning of time.  I pick and chose seasons wisely, as I would anything, based upon how legit the Bach is.  For example I didn’t even start watching Bachelor until season 8 featuring Travis Stork.  It was love at first sight as the tall, handsome ER doctor put every Bachelorette under a spell that made them consistently produce word vomit.  He clearly wasn’t into any of them and ended up not proposing or even dating the winner.  Good news for me…I stalked TS until he got his own show called The Doctors that I secretly DVR and put on mute while I’m doing push up and sit ups.

I skipped Lorenzo because he was such a complete tool and wouldn’t kiss any of the girls (gay) and was pleasantly surprised when they found Andy Baldwin, who was such a dork but super hot to look at.  I skipped Brad Womack, thank goodness because he didn’t choose either of the final two girls and I tuned in to Matt Grant because he had an English accent.  Jason Mesnik got the automatic “no thanks” since he had a kid.

I don’t believe you can find love in the short amount of time they give you on the show, BUT I keep holding out for that one season that really surprises me by hooking up two completely normal people.  Enter Jillian Harris.  As I earlier blogged, she seemed like a completely normal and adorable girl from the very start.  She wears Milly for Pete’s sake! What I should have realized is NO ONE WHO IS NORMAL GOES ON THESE SHOWS.  Even my dear Reid…I thought was the shit and then makes a complete bafoon out of himself when he flies back to Hawaii, which was about a 12 hr flight from Philly, wearing Chuck Taylor’s thinking he’s going to win Jillian back?! Come awwnnn buddy!!! I was on team Reid!!!

I’m not going to comment on Jill’s family meeting the last two men because I think the whole idea is moot.  They all think it’s a bad idea for her to even be on the show, so now it’s just a matter of who they think it less of a bad decision?  I don’t buy it.

Kipton really had no clue where he even was.  For half the season I think he thought he was on the Amazing Race and to be honest I think it’s a safer venue for him.  He wasn’t going to win and we all knew that when he pulled up in the limo first.  I would like to thank ABC for making me sit through an hour and half of Ed and Kipton before they let Reid back on!  Seriously and then he shows up in the red mini van cab?  Did he come right from the airport?  Was he staying at the Fairmont at least?  Reid is sweating his cahones off (literally he has to wipe the sweat every couple minutes) as he tried to tell Jill that he made a mistake.  She denies him because she’s “madly in love” with Ed.  I wasn’t completely convinced Ed was a robot until it was time to choose the ring.  I’m not sure how it happened but ABC let a pear shaped diamond into the mix of gorg cushion and princess cuts.  When they first show it, I think there is no way Ed’s going to pick that one he just CAN’T.  When he proposes Jillian at this point is completely emotionally drained from being duped thrice times over by ABC with their antics and can’t even see what he even has in his hands and it serves her right!  Can a sister get some PINOT?!?!?

jillian-ring-320

Really the main reason I didn’t want Ed to win was because I didn’t feel like looking at his face on the cover of US Weekly for the next four weeks.  NO THANK YOU.

Just when my nerves have calmed and my heart beat has steadied I hit the “live” button and we’re half way into “Dating in the Dark”.  Is this really happening or am I in some sort of warped nightmare?  I will say this one more time, NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT GO ON THESE SHOWS.

So ABC, I tell you this: unless you choose Reid for the next Bachelor (they will probably go ahead and do something stupid and pick jerk me off Jake) I will not be tuning in.  I appreciate your support over the years and the TGIF days, but until further notice I’m out.

Bachelorette Weekend in Numbers.

sunnset

States traveled from – 5

Trips to and from the airport – 15

Bottles of tequila consumed – 3

Limes used for skinny girl margs – 25

Girls that puked – 4

Girls that cried – 3

Rounds of leg spreader shots from Dick – 2

Avocados used for guac – 8

Phones lost – 1

Boyfriends/Fiances/Husbands that got pissed – 3 (depending who you ask)

Wawa trip for cigs – $45

Glasses broken – 4

Songs requested – 10

Songs played – 2

Pictures taken – approx 400 with 4 cameras

Pictures appropriate for FB – 90

Number of 10 degree head tilts – 226

Having a bachelorette weekend 11 girls deep with BIG personalities and no drama – Priceless.

beach chairs

Bros, Friend or Foe?

http://www.broslikethissite.com/

Please visit this site.  Thanks.  Ok, now lets discuss.  If you’re reading this blog it means that you probably have the same sensibility as me so you were tempted to comment on one of the posts until you were halted in your tracks when you realized, wait a second…I like guys like this.  I legit flirt with guys like this every chance I get.  Am I a slam piece?  Please grab a piece of paper and put a simple Y or N next to each of the following items.  Mark  “Y” if you’ve ever liked, dated, hooked up with, flirted with, danced with or are currently dating a dood that has the said characteristic.  Mark “N” if you never have never will.

I’ll start with just a few because there are just too many to list.

Ok so now add up the number of  “Y”s you have.  Take that number, multiply by 2 and that is how many miles it’s going to take you to run off those sins.

I know, I’m scared too.  I mean…I’m currently hanging out with someone who fits an alarming number of these characteristics.   My mind is racing, my breathing is heavy and all I’m thinking to myself what nickname his friends have come up with for me.  If you’re like me, you’re attracted to these guys for a reason and it’s is almost impossible to avoid.  My advice to you is to immediately purchase “He’s Just Not That Into You” to combat some of the wrath you may encounter with these guys.  That will eliminate the CDB’s and leave you with just DB’s that can possibly be converted to GG’s but chances are they won’t and we’re all screwed.   In addition you should probably follow these basic principles.

1.  Don’t give your number out.  Just don’t.  You’re setting yourself up for disaster.

2.  If you’re at a bar and it’s late, you’ve had one too many grapefruit crushes and a guy tells you you’re beautiful, he’s lying.  Your mascara is running down your face, your hair is matted to your head because you were just jumping up and down to the new Maino song, and you haven’t applied bronzer in two hours.  Find your WWFL, peace out, and go crush water and Advil.   You probably have family brunch tomorrow, and your sister will most certainly call you out for being hung-over.

3.  Try as hard as you can not to sleep over his place if he has more than one roommate.  You can’t let these guys into your circle of trust because they are not your friends and they will drop dime on you as soon as you can say “where is my underwear”.

4.  For those of you who are currently dating Bros, I don’t know what to tell you.  You’re in too deep at this point and you’re screwed.  You need to make sure you have thick skin, don’t cry, do NOT let their friends see you naked (this includes boob) and practice your booze tolerance because it is probably the only thing that will save you from being sabotaged.  Oh yeah, and I’ve heard it helps if you cook, don’t have a high pitched voice, have hot friends and can play extra curricular sports.

T&T


I hate being left out of any party and Facebook makes it near impossible to NOT feel left out when pictures get posted after long weekends and/or vacations that I’m not included in.  Please keep in mind this rarely happens, but when it does I’m reminded every time I check the newsfeed which is on average about 9 times a day.

I have a bachelorette party for my best friend Rachel coming up in a tropical locale but I will be going one day late for reasons I would not like to dispel.  Anyway T&T’s are a must during the time I will not be there.  This means Tag and Text me.  If you’re mobile uploading, you better tag me so I’m the first to see the picture, comment on it, and let the world know that I SHOULD in fact be there.   Also, if Lauren does a body shot off WL’s  stomach (cabana boy), I would like to be the first to know.  It is just common decency.

Texting and BBMing and Emoticons, OH MY

blackberry-curve-8320

I am not ashamed at all to say I’m a crackberry.  I see people with the iPhones and I feel like they make you look cooler and richer so that will hopefully be in the “Obsessions” category in late second quarter, early third.  For the time being though I’m attached to my BB day and night.  I’m almost always available on BBM, text, email and phone but BBM is my communication of choice.  I have 24 contacts in my BBM queue which I’m sure is not a record but for anyone I’ve asked it is on the high side.  I also legit laugh out loud every time I use an emoticon.  My fav go to face is the side smirk and it really never gets old.  I think I was an emoticon in another life.  The label that goes with my fav side smirk face is “sarcastic” but it really doesn’t do it justice.  I also enjoy the thumbs up symbol which is labeled “yes”.  I wish I could use emoticons in real life, so like when someone asked me if they could get a ride to Subway for example I would just throw them a thumbs up and a smirk face because it would be self serving since I love subway.  And if one of my girls wanted to borrow a dress and she has black out tendencies then I would just simply give her the thumbs down, but maybe I’d throw in the guy with the sunglasses on because then she’d know it was a joke but not really because she still couldn’t borrow the dress.

BLC

blc

When the clock strikes 3:00p.m. and you have a 9-5 there are a few things you can do to stave off exhaustion.  You can make coffee or you can get the biggest wad of BLC (BIG LEAGUE CHEW) you can find and go to town.   It’s something that’s really easy to get greedy with.  I often find myself going back for seconds and thirds until I can barely close my mouth.  The best part about it is you can blow the biggest bubbles and it usually won’t stick to your nose.  Also, unlike most sugary gums, it doesn’t lose flavor TOO fast and when it does you can just keep shoving more in! (that’s what she said)

Smoking ‘grittes

I’ve never been a smoker and never will be for a number of obvious reasons.  I mean, they’re terrible for you, expensive but most importantly make your skin wrinkly and nails and teeth yellow.  This being stated, I need to note that I still think they’re cool.  I can only take 1-3 drags befor I feel like I’m going to faint/be sick but I still bum them off of strangers outside of bars on the weekends.  Last night I bummed a drag off of a complete stranger that had just turned 21 but looked like he was 15 and I told him he really shouldn’t be smoking and he said “well why are you?” I said “I don’t smoke”. 

smoking